finally letting me admit to myself, almost a year later, how truly terrible he was to me.
- avoided me at his friends’ party on our first new years together when it was time for us to kiss. it took 20 hugs and kisses with other people before he even looked at me, while at a party where i knew only the number of people you could count on one hand.
- made me feel bad for not enjoying our first time. mad at me for not thinking he was “good” the night he took my virginity. didnt begin to apologize until the next afternoon when i decided to finally leave.
- continued to talk to and be friends with his ex when it made me uncomfortable. 3 years worth of discomfort.
- said the reason he wouldnt have sex with me was because i had gained weight. ten pounds i saw on the scale but couldnt see on my own body, and that’s why we’re not having sex. i didnt look at myself in the mirror for two whole days, then couldnt for a week without crying hysterically.
- put up with him putting me down the entire time we stayed at his brother’s house when i went up to root for him during a lax championship. still took care of his drunk ass the whole night.
- ignored me for a few months, which came to its boiling point at a camping trip with his forestry friends. that is the least desired and most desperate i have ever felt in my life. i cried, pleading him not to break up with me because it felt like he would. we left early that night.
- he slept with girls within two months after us breaking up, after telling me the real reason (making up for calling me fat) he wouldnt have sex with me was because he was too tired and stressed. not too tired or stressed to fuck random girls, huh? though they couldnt have been random could they, with so many conservation and forestry majors being female (and on previously mentioned camping trip), hm?
- told me “dont you dare think it isnt killing me too, wondering if youre with other guys. it makes me sick”
- wanted to pass along the message that i am beautiful and my body is “perfect” several months later.
i hope you drown yourself in whiskey and cheap beer, stephan. you’ve caused me so much pain and anguish, regret and self loathing for not remaining the confident and sexy woman i was before i was with you. and now, i still am so scared, scared to death, that i will never find anyone like you. all of your good traits, the ones that didnt involve making me feel like total shit, are the ones i would want in someone to share my life and adventures with. too bad the wrong person has them and didnt know how to use them to his best advantage.
there are other things that, thankfully for him, i have forgotten. do i need to make the list longer to prove my point though?
“you shouldn’t be walking alone at this time of night”
people shouldn’t fucking attack other people at any time of day
ah yes youve done it
you pointed out that attacking people is bad
now no one will do it
thank you for your service to mankind
world peace, here we come